I have spent a lot of time of late missing things. Friends, love, romance, passion and dreaming with a smile on my face. I've felt alone for a while. Have found it hard to write about true love.
Tonight I randomly thought about my freshman college year. That was and will always be the best year in my educational life. It surpassed any moment of friendship and happiness I had while in school. My friends were my family and I loved them. My second year of college was like a disbandment. I felt like I had been a part of the greatest band ever and at our climax we split up. I had my friend and more like a sister Jamie. She is awesome and once or twice during the year we see each other. We share our new interests and both end up enjoying each others company.
I miss those days.
I also miss the days where I was allowed to be passionately in love. I didn't show it as much as I felt it. That was my fault. But every moment I had that was free was given to him. No matter how tired or stressed I was. If he wanted or needed to see me, if I was able, I was there in an instant. Because time...time was always better, sweeter when he was around. And those times made me smile during my darkest moments. Gave me a reason to keep moving on when all I wanted to do was die. It's a great feeling to be at work and remember a happy memory and to smile. And then people wonder why you're so happy. It's because you're thinking of that person that genuinely warms your insides. And the world becomes dull next to them. And no other person despite if they're attractive, sexy or alluring or funny doesn't even come close to that person. Not an option at all because that person you love not only got their own segment in your world...they became your world.
I miss kissing him passionately. His eyes are awesome but the feel of his lips...it's heaven. Clouds. Floating. If only he knew the electric shock they gave me...and that my knees had never been weaker.
When just holding hands felt right because I could feel the positive energy it created.
I miss when we met I'd get the best hug and the biggest smile because he was happy to see me.
I miss our chinese food dates. How embarrassed I was to eat in front of him. I loved to hear him talk. It's how I got to know him. He'd apologize for rambling but I didn't mind at all. I'm sure he missed that at those moments I was staring at him in awe.
The river downtown became my home when I couldn't be held by him. It's why I associate it with comfort and healing properties. The length of the river to my left and to my right were his arms and I felt protected and loved. But even the river these days doesn't hold the warmth it once used to.
I miss talking about music and it being okay that I didn't know what he was talking about. Always saw it as a new learning and bonding opportunity. Not a reason that we shouldn't be together.
I miss laughing at his cheesiness. It was a very attractive quality to me. I miss looking for hiding places because we couldn't get enough of kissing and touching each other.
I could spend eight hours in the day with him and it would seem to not be enough. We wanted time to stand still. I wish it had.
Every single love poem on this account is about him (Except "Someday" which was my first cheesy early teen crush poem). He is my muse. Without him my re-start in writing would have happened much later.
I miss him so much but right now I only feel like a burden to him.
It's so lonely having this open heart and not having someone willing to receive it. I'll risk sounding pathetic but I want and need him to open his heart to me again. I truly believe we could be happy together.